![]() I'm pretty flexible on what I find nog-ceptable, but the first sip totally nailed me to the wall. Seltzer Nog Seltzer Nog: A painful eruption of flavor. On the plus side, as a tabula rasa liquified, it won't conflict with what you are eating, no matter what it is. The only fleeting joy is in the realization of the void. Does flavor even exist? Who can tell? We're all just hurtling through space in a macabre parody of life, bereft of meaning. This is the Werner Herzog documentary of hard seltzers, and you'll soon be muttering to yourself, disoriented. The flavor, similarly inscrutable: Is that cherry? Berry? That's not what plums taste like, is it? Best to chug it so that the nothing doesn't have a chance to give way to Bud Light's signature alkaline finish. It has very little smell, and what is there is unidentifiable, most reminiscent of scented markers. Blank-faced, stoic and directionless, it sits like a stone on the side of the road. It's the rare beverage that says nothing, but somehow Sugar Plum is in this category. Others are more subtle about it: Coffee puts an encouraging arm around you at work iced tea just wants to help you relax on a sunny summer afternoon. Some beverages just scream optimism, you know? Orange juice. Suggested pairing: Any cookie, especially a gingersnap, will smooth out the rough spots without succumbing to the carob. I have to admit it's perversely entertaining, like a sketchy carnival’s funhouse mirror. You had a fun but questionable friend in college who would love this flavor. Instead of cherry, chocolate, vanilla and kirsch liqueur, it's more like maraschino, carob, marshmallow and ethanol. The flavor of this seltzer isn't as immersive as the smell, mercifully. After a couple of days, the alcohol inside turns the fondant layer into vanilla goo. In case you haven’t had the pleasure, this unfortunate sweet is a candied cherry soaked in liqueur, wrapped in a thin layer of fondant and covered in chocolate. They aren’t as ubiquitous as they once were around the holidays, probably because they’re disgusting. Instead, in a remarkable achievement in aroma technology, it smells precisely like being actually inside a cherry cordial. Courtesy Heather Martinīecause I never learn, I thought this one was a cute seasonal name for plain cherry seltzer, which I often love. Buckle up! Cherry Cordial We don’t think it should be called Cherry Cordial. At least, that’s what I’m going to be repeating to myself as we taste these. Surely this is a wink and a nod, right? Everyone loves ugly sweaters at parties, but nobody wears them around the house unless they’re in on the joke. Fall Flannel Hard Seltzer? Hard pass.This time, I think the name and package design are spot-on: retro kitsch, fun metallic colors, knitted-stitch graphics. This particular iteration, though, is beyond all reason. I usually suggest to nutrition clients that they limit alcohol more than most people do, but when you choose to indulge, hard seltzer is a reasonable choice, clocking in at about 100 calories and fewer than 5 grams of carbs. I suspect Stockholm syndrome and plan to seek treatment. Interestingly, though my husband and I split each one to sample and still never finished a single can, tasting them with food helped, and none of them were as bad the second time around. In the interest of public service, I tried each one again, attempting to find any redeeming qualities. Related: "My compliments to the chef," the reviewer told TODAY. Suggested pairing: If held hostage at a dinner party, you might be able to survive this one by pairing it with plain graham crackers and a very dark chocolate. The overall effect? Yoo-hoo Chocolate Drink, carbonated, and just this side of rancid. ![]() Then things get weird with a puzzlingly sour caboose. The flavor actually does have caramelized sugar and vanilla notes right up front, with an inexplicably cocoa middle. I think it's … Tootsie Rolls? What on earth? Put me in, coach! I can take it! Eye of the tiger! ![]() Bud Light Toasted Marshmallow Seltzer (Courtesy Heather Martin) ![]()
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